| 
Part VII : Darshan: Conflict with Family
Just the other day there was a letter from a young boy from Germany.
One month ago he also wrote—that he wants to become a sannyasin.
He is only sixteen years old so I told him, "You inquire
of your parents, ask their permission; otherwise they will create
difficulties for you. If they allow, you are welcome."
His answer has come and what he says is tremendously beautiful.
He says, "Beloved Master, my parents will never understand
you. We went to see the film about your ashram—I was the
only one in my family who understood it. My father and mother
were absolutely unable to comprehend it, what it was all about.
And I am afraid that if I become more grown-up like them I may
miss the opportunity. Moreover," he says, "I have dyed
all my clothes orange so I am already half a sannyasin—just
the mala is needed."
He says, "I understood the film completely but my parents
were simply confused by it. I have been trying to explain it to
them, but they seem incapable of understanding." He also
says, "I am afraid that if this is what happens when one
becomes grown up, then I may miss the opportunity of becoming
a sannyasin. So please, send the mala immediately before I become
blind!"
A child is not burdened with knowledge. You have to become a
child again; then the work of a Buddha is very simple. It is the
simplest work in the world—because the Buddha is not going
to make you achieve something, he is simply helping you to see
what is already the case. What can be more simple?
But grown-up people are really blind, utterly deaf. Their hearts
are closed, they can't feel, they are hung up in their heads,
and to communicate with a Buddha you need an open heart. People
are encapsulated in their thoughts, so much so, that they live
in their own world, continuously imprisoned in their ideologies,
in their words. You can't talk to them. You say one thing and
they immediately understand something else. dh1204
Another sannyasin says: I was wondering if you could give me
some hints about life in the university and with the family because
I'm going back sometime next week.
It will be different—and it will be very good. It will
give you new insight. Many things happen when you go back, because
here you live in a different milieu. You will be going alone,
the milieu will be left behind and you will enter into a totally
different world, a different atmosphere. That will make you more
sharp, centred. It will be a challenge, and you will have to respond
more consciously.
People will be arguing with you. They will think you are mad
or something. People will think you have betrayed your religion,
your country or something. You will have to be very very patient
to understand what they are saying and to help them to understand
what you are, where you are. And these things bring everything
into focus. dance18
Just two days ago a young sannyasin girl came to me and said,
"My father is very worried. He says, 'How long are you going
to go on with this meditation and sannyas? It's enough now, just
come back and be a normal person again, live the way everyone
else is living.'"
The way everyone else lives is what we mean by normal. Mad though
their way of life may be, the way everyone lives seem to be normal.
Certainly when I knock on your door I am calling you to be something
abnormal. I am beckoning you towards a life that others are not
living that you will live…that will be unique, new, unknown.
It needs courage. nowher15
A friend has written—a sannyasin—that he left here
dancing, ecstatic. His family had never seen him dancing and ecstatic.
When he danced and was blissed out at home they thought he was
insane. They came running, caught him, sat him down, and asked
what happened. "Wait," he said, "nothing has happened
to me. I am very happy, in bliss." The more he spoke of spiritual
truths the more his family were sure something was wrong. They
took him from the house and forced him to enter a hospital.
A letter has come from him. He says, "I am lying here in
the hospital laughing. This is great fun. When I was sad no one
took me to get medical help. Now I am happy and people have brought
me to the hospital. I am watching this drama. But they think I
am insane. And the more they think I am mad the more I laugh!
The more I laugh the more they think I am mad!" mahag106
One man came to me and he said, "Since I have become a
sannyasin, my children think that I have gone crazy, they laugh
at me. Nothing hurts me more than this, that my own children…they
look at me from the window, they don't come inside the room! They
whisper to each other—I don't know what, but they talk about
me. They think something has gone wrong."
People are considering each other—and then there are millions
of people to consider. If you go on considering each and everybody,
you will never be an individual, you will be just a hodgepodge.
So many compromises made, you would have committed suicide long
ago. wisdom22
A sannyasin says: I have guilt feelings towards my family. I feel
I can't drop them right now.
Then don't drop them! Who is telling you to drop them….
Just tell me, what is the problem with your parents?
She replies: They don't accept me as a sannyasin. They're afraid
to lose me.
Then you will have to decide, because one day or other everybody
has to go beyond the boundaries of the parents. Otherwise one
never grows, one never becomes one's own self. There is no need
to hurt them but there is no need to be dominated by them either.
Just make it plain that this is how you would like to be. If they
can accept you, perfectly good; if they can't accept you, then
too that is perfectly good.
The sannyasin says: I'm very afraid to hurt them.
You need not positively hurt them, but if they feel hurt, that
is their business, that is their problem; what can you do about
it? Or if you want to drop sannyas you can do that. I am not saying
anything to anybody. If you feel that you can't hurt them and
that this will be hurting them, forget all about sannyas! Just
be there…
She says: I don't feel to drop sannyas….But I don't feel
that I can resolve things this time.
So next time you can; there is no hurry. Let it take a little
time, there is no need to do it in a haste. This time go, be loving
towards them, be respectful towards them, even if they reject
you. They are your parents. You should not make it a condition
that unless they accept you, you will not respect them; that again
is forcing something on them. Be free and let them have their
freedom. If they want to feel miserable about it, that too is
their freedom; you cannot interfere in it. You can do everything
possible not to make them miserable, but you cannot commit suicide
just because they will be miserable.
And their misery is just stupid, because you are not doing anything
harmful to anybody. Just by becoming a sannyasin you have not
harmed anybody. They must be having some very orthodox ideas.
They don't know what religion is, they don't know what sannyas
is. They must just be thinking that they have lost their hold
on you. But that possessiveness is ugly, and they are being hurt
by their possessiveness, not by your sannyas. That has to be understood:
how can your sannyas hurt them? It is their possessiveness; they
want to dominate you, they want to remain your boss. They would
like you to do only that which they want you to do. But that is
not right; that is destroying you. That is not love!
My sister is writing that I will give them—yes, it's good
blackmail—a heart attack if I come back here.
Nobody has given anybody a heart attack. If they want to give
themselves one, they can, but you cannot. Even if you die, do
you think your father or your mother will die of a heart attack?
Otherwise the world would be empty if people started dying like
that! You have not done anything; you are just wearing orange
clothes and they will have heart attacks! Then they must be waiting
for it, asking for it.
That is all stupid; these threats are just there to manipulate
you.
I don't feel the strength, the energy, to go against them; to
say 'no'. I feel guilty.
Just go there, see whatsoever happens, and whatsoever feels
good, do. From my side, never feel guilty. If you drop sannyas
I am perfectly happy. You look after the other side; from my side,
never feel guilty. If you never come back there is no problem
in it. I am not your father and I am not trying in any way to
impose anything on you. Whatsoever you become, it's perfectly
good. If you feel that this is less of a problem for you, drop
sannyas. Choose whichever is the lesser evil, and I bless you
either way. So from my side you are completely free; the other
side you have to decide about. Just go and see whatsoever happens.
If you feel the heart attack is coming, drop sannyas but ask
the doctors first, don't trust your sister because a heart attack
can be simulated. Ask the doctors; take your parents to the hospital
and let them be checked. And if you see it is really coming and
the cardiogram says, 'Now, beware!' simply drop sannyas; that's
perfectly okay. With me there is no problem. All I am saying is
that you have to be yourself and you have to learn to be free.
These are all threats and they have violence in them. There are
two kinds of violence: the male violence and the female violence.
The male violence is aggressive, direct. The male violence says,
'If you don't listen to me, I will kill you!' The female violence
says, 'If you don't listen to me, I will die.' But these are both
violences, there is no difference.
One is active, the other is passive—that's all. So don't
be worried about this. Just go and see. And whatsoever you do
is good. I am not here to create any problems for you; I am here
to solve them, if I can. I will not burden you with new problems.
So from my side you are going completely free, and there, just
see—there is no need to decide right now—and respond!
And then come back. bite05
A sannyasin says: I wrote you a letter about my mother. My grandfather
is dying and my mother is very sick and your answer was go and
serve them…I'm afraid about which situation I will find
there.
No, no, I will take care of you. You go, mm?—just help them;
they need you. Let this be your meditation for a few months, mm?
While you are there just help them and help them absolutely. Let
them know what love is.
Old people become helpless and nobody loves them, and in the West
particularly they are really isolated. Nobody thinks of them,
nobody is interested in them. This is a very ugly situation.
So just go and let them have a feeling that they are respected,
loved, that their life has not been in vain, that when they are
gone, somebody will remember them. That gives a great centering
to dying people, to old people.
Just go and simply serve them, and with a smile and with a dance.
Continue to meditate, and I will be with you. madgui25
It happens many times to my sannyasins. When they want to go back
to their homes they become a little apprehensive. They come to
me and they say, "It is going to be difficult. My father
won't understand me, my mother will not be able to see what has
happened. When I go back they will not be able to see the fact:
what has happened to me."
I tell them, "Don't be worried. You simply go and you remain
new. Don't try in any way to behave like the old." That has
to be remembered because the temptation will be there. The mother
is there, the father is there, the brothers are there, the whole
milieu of the old, and the temptation will be that even if you
have changed why create a disturbance for them? Just act like
the old.
But if you act like the old, that will be a deep disturbance
for you. That will be a deception, that won't be authenticity.
And in that way you are not going to help your family. That way
you will be untrue to them.
Be true. Even if they misunderstand in the beginning, accept
that misunderstanding. It is natural. But you remain the one that
you have become. Don't act; remain true. Sooner or later they
will understand, and once they understand, your reality will start
transforming them also. Reality is a great force.
This happens many times. One sannyasin from England just wrote
to me that "I was afraid, notwithstanding whatsoever you
had said. I was afraid and as I came nearer to England my fear
was tremendous. My father is very stubborn"—as fathers
are—"and I thought: he won't understand, he won't even
listen. He will think that I am mad and he will try and force
me to go to a psychoanalyst. 'What has happened? Why are you wearing
orange?' He is an old Christian, orthodox. It will be almost a
shock."
But he had to go back so he went. Now he has written: "They
were shocked. They couldn't believe it. But as you had said, I
tried not to be tempted to act. I remained true. And for the first
time, after three or four days, they relaxed. Now for the first
time something has transpired between me and my parents, something
which I can call love—which has never been there before.
Fear was there, but not love. And they are asking me questions:
what has happened to me? And they have even tried to meditate!
"—which he thinks is a miracle. He thinks that I must
be doing something from here.
I'm not doing anything from here. Your truth, your authenticity,
has a great power in it. Truth transforms not only you. Wherever
you move, with whomsoever you relate, if you are true you become
a great force. foll205
Just the other day I received a letter from an old woman—I
loved her letter. Her son was a sannyasin and he died just two
weeks ago in a car accident. She writes to me: "I am grateful
to you, because just before he died he came to see me after many
many days, and he was so happy. I have never seen him so happy—he
was almost dancing. And he was so loving to me…I have never
seen him so loving. There has never been such a communion between
me and him. There was always something like a wall separating
us, but the day he came to see me, all barriers dropped. Although
he died and I will never be able to see him again, I am immensely
happy and grateful to you that you had made him laugh and sing
and enjoy and you had helped him to drop his seriousness. He died
joyously."
It is from a mother. It is very difficult for a mother to accept
the death of her son. But she could accept even the death, although
she knows nothing of sannyas and she has never been here. But
the one thing she understood was that something very essential
had changed in the life of her son. She is not at all sad about
his death. She is happy that before he died he had attained something;
he had not lived in vain. come05
A sannyasin says: I received a very strange letter today. My
father requested that I say hello to you—which surprised
me very much…I think that's his way of asking for your blessing.
Mm…strange things happen. Life is more strange than any
fiction…and more fictitious also.
If one goes on believing and trusting, one comes to encounter
miracles every moment. Just because we have lost the capacity
to trust, much of the miraculous has disappeared from the world.
So write him a hello from me, mm? (laughter) Good! plan01
|
