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Part V : Osho’s impressions on Love and marriage
If you love a person, how can you destroy his or her freedom?
If you trust a person, you trust her or his freedom too.
One day it happened that a man came to me who was really in a
mess, very miserable. And he said, 'I will commit suicide.'
I said, 'Why?'
He said, 'I trusted my wife and she has betrayed me. I had trusted
her absolutely and she has been in love with some other man. And
I never came to know about it until just now! I have got hold
of a few letters. So then I inquired, and then I insisted, and
now she has confessed that she has been in love all the time.
I will commit suicide' he said.
I said, 'You say you trusted her?'
He said, 'Yes, I trusted her and she betrayed me.'
What do you mean by trust?—some wrong notion about trust;
trust also seems to be political.
'You trusted her so that she would not betray you. Your trust
was a trick. Now you want to make her feel guilty. This is not
trust.'
He was very puzzled. He said, 'What do you mean by trust then,
if this is not trust? I trusted her unconditionally.'
I said, 'If I were in your place, trust would mean to me that
I trust her freedom, and I trust her intelligence, and I trust
her loving capacity. If she falls in love with somebody else,
I trust that too. She is intelligent, she can choose. She is free,
she can love. I trust her understanding.'
What do you mean by trust? When you trust her intelligence, her
understanding, her awareness, you trust it. And if she finds that
she would like to move into love with somebody else, it is perfectly
okay. Even if you feel pain, that is your problem; it is not her
problem. And if you feel pain, that is not because of love, that
is because of jealousy.
What kind of trust is this, that you say it has been betrayed?
My understanding of trust is that it cannot be betrayed. By its
very nature, by its very definition, trust cannot be betrayed.
It is impossible to betray trust. If trust can be betrayed, then
it is not trust. Think over it.
If I love a woman, I trust her intelligence infinitely. And, if
in some moments she wants to be loving to somebody else, it is
perfectly good. I have always trusted her intelligence. She must
be feeling like that. She is free. She is not my other half, she
is independent. And when two persons are independent individuals,
only then there is love. Love can flow only between two freedoms.
tvis204
I have seen couples who have lived together for thirty or forty
years; still, they seem to be as immature as they were on their
first day together. Still the same complaint: "She doesn't
understand what I am saying." Forty years being together
and you have not been able to figure out some way that your wife
can understand exactly what you are saying, and you can understand
exactly what she is saying.
But I think there is no possibility for it to happen except through
meditation, because meditation gives you the qualities of silence,
awareness, a patient listening, a capacity to put yourself in
the other's position.
It is possible with me: I am not concerned with the trivia of
your life.
You are here basically to listen and understand.
You are here to grow spiritually. enligh16
I was talking to a friend yesterday. There is a conflict between
him and his wife. As is natural, he thought if he had married
another woman there would not have been this state of affairs.
Now this man has no experience of another woman. She exists only
in imagination. The wife also feels the same way. She feels she
has made a wrong choice. Another man would have made a better
husband. In this case also, there is no experience of the other
man. He is purely imaginary. Now we cannot have the experience
of all the women in the world or all the men in the world, therefore,
the illusion persists.
I told my friend, "It is not a question of this woman or
that woman. It is a question of your different natures. There
is conflict in your dispositions. And it is the arrangement between
a man and a woman that society has prescribed that is to be blamed
for this, for it is an arrangement of ownership. Wherever we make
permanent relationships, strife is bound to be, for the mind is
most impermanent and relationships very permanent. way109
I was traveling for twenty years in this country. I was staying
in thousands of homes, and I saw it continuously: when the husband
is not in the house, the wife seems to be very cheerful, very
happy. The moment the husband enters the house she has a headache,
and she lies down on the bed. And I was watching, because I was
just staying in the house. Just a moment before, everything was
okay—as if the husband has not entered but a headache has
entered.
Slowly slowly, I understood the logic. There is a great investment
in it. And remember, I am not saying that she is simply pretending.
If you pretend too long it can become a reality, it can become
an autohypnosis. I'm not saying that she is not suffering from
a headache, remember. She may be suffering: just the face of the
husband is enough to trigger the process! It has happened so many
times that now it has become an automatic process. So I am not
saying that she is deceiving the husband; she is deceived by her
own investments.
You have a certain image and you don't want it to be changed,
and criticism means again a disturbance. dh0210
One of my friends was continually complaining to me about his
wife; "She is always sad, long faced and I am so worried
to enter the house…I try to waste my time in this club and
that club but finally I have to go back home and there she is."
I said to him, "Do one thing just as an experiment. Because
she has been serious and she has been nagging, I cannot imagine
that you enter the house smiling."
He said, "Do you think I can manage that? The moment I see
her something freezes inside me—smile?"
I said, "Just as an experiment. Today you do one thing: take
beautiful roses—it is the season; and the best ice-cream
available in the city—tutti frutti; and go smiling, singing
a song!"
He said, "If you say so I will do it, but I don't think it
is going to make any difference."
I said, "I will come behind you, and see whether there is
any difference or not."
The poor fellow tried hard. Many times on the way he laughed.
I said, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "I am laughing at what I am doing! I wanted you
to tell me to divorce her and you have suggested I act as if I
am going on a honeymoon!"
I said, "Just imagine it is a honeymoon…but try your
best."
He opened the door and his wife was standing there. He smiled
and then he laughed at himself because to smile…And that
woman was standing almost like a stone. He presented the flowers
and the ice-cream, and then I entered.
The woman could not believe what was happening. When the man had
gone to the bathroom she asked me, "What is the matter? He
has never brought anything, he has never smiled, he has never
taken me out, he has never made me feel that I am loved, that
I am respected. What magic has happened?"
I said, "Nothing; both of you have just been doing wrong.
Now when he comes out of the bathroom you give him a good hug."
She said, "A hug?"
I said, "Give him one! You have given him so many things,
now give him a good hug, kiss him…. "
She said, "My God…. "
I said, "He is your husband, you have decided to live together.
Either live joyously or say goodbye joyously. There is no reason…it
is such a small life. Why waste two person's lives unnecessarily?"
At that very moment the man came from the bathroom. The woman
hesitated a little but I pushed her, so she hugged the man and
the man became so afraid he fell on the floor! He had never imagined
that she was going to hug him.
I had to help him up. I said, "What happened?"
He said, "It's just that I have never imagined that this
woman can hug and kiss—but she can! And when she smiled
she looked so beautiful."
Two persons living together in love should make it a point that
their relationship is continuously growing, bringing more flowers
every season, creating more joys. Just sitting together silently
is enough…. sermon13
One of my friends was retiring; he was a big industrialist, and
he was retiring because of my advice. I said, "You have so
much and you don't have a son; you have two daughters and they
are married in rich families. Now why unnecessarily bother about
all kinds of worries—of business, and income tax, and this
and that? You can close everything; you have enough. Even if you
live one thousand years, it will do."
He said, "That's true. The real problem is not the business,
the real problem is I will be left alone with my wife. I can retire
right now if you promise me one thing, that you will live with
us.
I said, "This is strange. Are you retiring or am I retiring?"
He said, "That is the condition. Do you think I am interested
in all these troubles? It is just to escape from my wife."
The wife was a great social worker. She used to run an orphanage,
a house for widows, and a hospital particularly for people who
are beggars and cannot pay for their treatment. I also asked her
in the evening, "Do you really enjoy all this, from the morning
till the evening?"
She said, "Enjoy? It is a kind of austerity, a self-imposed
torture."
I said, "Why should you impose this torture on yourself?"
She said, "Just to avoid your friend. If we are left alone,
that is the worst experience in life."
And this is a love marriage, not an arranged marriage. They married
each other against the whole family, the whole society, because
they belonged to different religions, different castes; but their
imprints gave them signals that this is the right woman, this
is the right man. And all this happens unconsciously. That's why
you cannot answer why you have fallen in love with a certain woman,
or with a certain man. It is not a conscious decision. It has
been decided by your unconscious imprint. golden06
Particularly people in India go on using women as if they are
just servants. Their whole work consists of taking care of the
children and the kitchen and the house, as if that's their whole
life.
Have you respected your wife as a human being?
Then, if anger arises, it is natural. If she feels frustrated—because
her life is running out and she has not known any joy, she has
not known any bliss, she has not known anything that can give
meaning and significance to her life….
Have you just sat by her side sometimes, silently, just holding
her hand, not saying a word, just feeling her, and letting her
feel you? No, that is not done in India at all.
Wives and husbands have only one kind of communication: quarreling.
I have been acquainted with thousands of Indian families, I have
stayed with thousands of Indian families. While I was traveling
all over the country I was staying with so many families that
I have come to know almost all kinds of families, but very rarely
have I seen husbands and wives respectful to each other. Using
each other, exploiting each other, reducing each other to things,
but never respecting each other's divinity—then this hell
is created. secret16
One of the great Hindu saints, Tulsidas, who is worshipped and
read all over India by every Hindu, has a strange statement: Dhol
gamar pashu aur nari. Ye sab tadan ke adhikari. He is categorizing
women with drums—dhol means drum, gamar means idiots, pashu
means animals, and nari means woman. All these four are constantly
to be beaten. The dhol, the drum, will not work if you don't beat
it. So for thousands of years Indian women have been beaten. It
has been taken for granted, there is no question.
I have come across situations where a husband was beating his
wife and I could not tolerate it and I entered their house, and
I was amazed: more than the husband, the wife was against me,
saying, "He is my husband, you cannot interfere in our affairs.
If he is beating me, it is perfectly okay."
So deep has the conditioning gone. hari02
In Indian villages I have seen with my own eyes…In India
you cannot marry a widow. It is really the same logic because
if people start marrying widows then who cares about virginity?
In a strange way widows look more beautiful. Perhaps they have
to look more beautiful, otherwise who is going to be interested
in them? Virgins are inexperienced, look childish; widows are
experienced, well polished, more attractive. But in an Indian
village, if you marry a widow, the whole village—which is
still a tribe—boycotts you, and the boycott is total. You
cannot take water from the village well, you cannot purchase anything
from any village shop; nobody will welcome you into his home.
The village will simply forget about you as if you don't exist.
You cannot live; it is impossible. If you cannot purchase anything
and nobody speaks to you, if you cannot even get water from the
well, life has become impossible. What kind of freedom…?
shanti25
One man—he was one of my students in the University—told
me that he would like to marry a widow. In India that is a problem.
Nobody wants to marry a widow. So there are people who think that
to marry a widow is a great sacrifice.
I said, "You can marry, but once you have married she will
not be a widow. Then what will you do? Then the whole charm will
disappear because the charm is in her being a widow."
He laughed—he thought I was joking. And he got married.
And after six months he said, "You were right. I'm no more
interested in her. My interest was basically in her widowhood.
I wanted to show to the public that I am a great servant of people,
that I am serving people even through my love. I am sacrificing
my love for a widow. I am going against the society, I am going
against the tradition. I am doing something great. But now the
marriage has happened and the widow has come, now there is no
point."
I said,"You do one thing. You commit suicide. She will be
a widow again, and somebody else will have a chance to serve her
again. If you are really a public servant, do this." Since
then I have not seen him. isay208
I am absolutely in favor of liberation—liberation for both
man and woman—because it is a simple law: the enslaver also
becomes a slave of his own slaves.
Man has enslaved woman, but he has also become a slave. That's
why you cannot find a husband who is not really henpecked—at
least I have not found one yet. I have been searching for a husband
who is not henpecked. rebel29
Once I was on a journey and someone asked me which word in a
man's vocabulary was the most valuable. My reply was, "Love".
The man was surprised. He said he had expected me to answer "soul"
or "God". I laughed and said, "Love is God."
Raising on the ray of love one can enter the enlightened kingdom
of God. It is better to say that love is God than to say that
truth is God, because the harmony, the beauty, the vitality and
the bliss that are part of love are not part of truth. Truth is
to be known; love is to be felt as well as known. The growth and
perfection of love lead to the ultimate merger with God.
The greatest poverty of all is the absence of love. The man who
has not developed the capacity to love lives in a private hell
of his own. A man who is filled with love is in heaven. You can
look at man as a wonderful and unique plant, a plant that is capable
of producing both nectar and poison. If a man lives by hate he
reaps a harvest of poison; if he lives by love he gathers blossoms
laden with nectar.
If I mold my life and live it with the well-being of all men in
mind, that is love. Love results from the awareness that you are
not separate, not different from anything else in existence. I
am in you; you are in me. This love is religious.
The doors of love only open for the person who is prepared to
let his ego go. To surrender one's ego for someone else is love;
to surrender one's ego for all is divine love.
Love is not sexual passion. Those who mistake sex for love remain
empty of love. Sex is only a passing manifestation of love. It
is part of nature's mechanism, a method of procreation. Love exists
on a higher plane, and as love grows, sex dissipates. The energy
that has been manifested in sex is transformed into love.
Love is the creative refinement of sex energy. And so, when love
reaches perfection, the absence of sex automatically follows.
A life of love, an abstinence from physical pleasures is called
brahmacharya, and anyone who wishes to be free from sex must develop
his capacity to love. Freedom from sex cannot be achieved through
supression. Liberation from sex is only possible through love.
I have said that love is God. This is the ultimate truth. But
let me say as well that love also exists within the family unit.
This is the first step on the journey to love, and the ultimate
can never happen if the beginning has been absent. Love is responsible
for the existence of the family and when the family unit moves
apart and its members spread out into society, love increases
and grows. When a man's family has finally grown to incorporate
all of mankind, his love becomes one with God.
Without love man is an individual, an ego. He has no family; he
has no link with other people. This is gradual death. Life, on
the other hand, is interrelation.
Love surpasses the duality of the ego. This alone is truth. The
man who thirsts for truth must first develop his capacity to love—to
the point where the difference between the lover and the beloved
disappears and only love remains.
When the light of love is freed from the duality of lover and
the beloved, when it is freed from the haze of seer and seen,
when only the light of pure love shines brightly, that is freedom
and liberation.
I urge all men to strive for that supreme freedom. long06
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